The Square Leg Files by Square Leg

Rain coming
I’m nervous, the 10 day forecast is saying rain this weekend (at the time of writing), wouldn’t it be great to get a good solid late April break. I just hope those weather forecasters from America (yes I’m pretty sure they operate from USA) are right.

Three not free!!!!
Local comedian John “Jack” Cameron is back in Buddy Franklin like form as I met up with him at the local establishment last week. He was telling me that an Indian telly marketer rang him the other day offering him a free phone. The call went something like this … (Indian telly marketer) Good evening Mr Cameron how are you. (Jack) No bad. (ITM) This is good Mr Cameron I am wery wery good too, now Mr Cameron I am here to offer you free phone if you sign up with our company. (J) I already have four. (ITM) No no Mr Cameron you do not understand I am offering you free phone. (J) Why would I want three phones when I already have four. (ITM) Oh Mr Cameron you must understand I am offering you free phone. (J) Sorry mate it’s not your lucky night. (ITM) But Mr Cameron…….Buzzzzzzzz

Good one Daryl
My Yarrawonga mate Dwain “Daryl” Duxson was telling me his company has just launched a new website. He tells me it’s a site where you can list your land or sheep for sale or if your interested in buying you can also register your interest. Have a look, go to www.ausfarmmanagement.com.au .

Popular
That Gordon Ramsay is very popular, everytime you turn on the box he is on dropping the F word. Apparently the popularity of the show (and the swearing) has urged channel nine to go in search of more shows where celebrities swear a lot. I have an idea and it will feature Marnoo’s equivalent of Ramsay, Lyle “Chopper” Johnson. The show could be called “Chopper in the sheep yards”. I recon there would be plenty of chopping and it would certainly rate its socks off!!!

Gutted
My Tigers coughed up a win against the Bullies last weekend. I was all ready to send my mate and Bulldogs fanatic John “Fruity” Nisbet a text when they were up by 19 points at the 19 minute mark, but I held off. I happened to be speaking to the big fella later that evening and he said a couple of Tigers supporter actually did what I was thinking of doing. One was WA resident Nicky “Burger” Healy whom I’m guessing scoffed on his pot of Swan Lager when it was declared a draw.




Speaking of Nisbets
I’m told Tim “Pie Guts” Nisbet is the loudest and most vocal support down there at Doggie land, he goes every week and apparent he leaves his old man (who wasn’t called Noisy for no reason) for dead.

Expanding
Gun shearer Pete “Handpiece” Newall has upgraded all his sowing gear, he bought a new second bar form WA, a tractor from the Mallee, a box from somewhere else etc etc. He tells me he want’s to put in his 800 acres in three day. He recons that whilst he is driving the tractor he feels he should be doing something else, so he went and did something about it. He must be getting restless in his later years.

Photos
Whilst I was back in the district last week I managed to secure a copy of all the Marnoo FC and Netball club disk of photos. It makes excellent viewing and you don’t realise how tight those shorts were back then. One particular photo made me laugh as it features Premiership President and local legend “Rex “Old Timer” Hendy talking to Premiership coach and porn star look-a-like John “Duck and weave” Drum. I can just imagine the conversation, it probably went like this: (Duck and weave) Rex I’m taking the team down to the school house for a motivational speech and video before the game. (Old Timer) Bloody Hell Drummy what are you doing that for. (D&W) Rex I don’t want the Navarre team to listen to this new game plan I have. (OT) That’s all right about you Drummy but we are just trying to win a game of football today not try and split the bloody atom. (D&W) Look our form has been patchy and I recon if we use more handball and run down the lines harder I recon we can get more consistent. (OT) Alright Drummy have it your way but make sure your blinken back in plenty of time.

On that note adios

Another week
Welcome to another week of the SLF. It’s been a relatively quiet news week and some of my spies have dropped off over the last couple of weeks. It has all been left to one of my spies who resides out Marnoo West way to provide most of this weeks content. Here we go…….

Man handling bar staff
I’m told from my intrepid spy that one Lois “Mrs Chopper” Johnson was handling the bar staff at the Tanya Duxson wedding. Apparently she was in fine touch and was only outdone by a respected Wallaloo East lady who was actually kissing the bar workers. I’m told they weren’t complaining.

Guru – man of the moment
SLF favourite and father of the bride Norm “Guru” Duxson apparently had his chest out until he hooked into his lavish meal and from then on it wasn’t the chest that was out it was his stomach!!

Herbie well behaved until…..
My spy tells me that renowned consumer Armand “Herbie” Duxson was told to take it easy at his sisters wedding. He managed to achieve that until the majority of the people left the event (I’m guessing it would be those refined Rupanyup folk) but I’m told by the end of the night he had a severe case of rye grass staggers.

Arrived lat and left early
Living Glenorchy legend Stewart “Smacka” MacPherson apparently arrived half way through the service and I’m also told he did something he very rarely does, he left early. I’m thinking the lovely Donna might have a bit to do with that!

Scam on the dam
I’m told that members of the little close knit community of Marnoo West has been gathering on John “Be my” Guest’s dam bank on a Friday night. Apparently lately there has been quite a gathering as chief organisers Mark “Pest” Raggatt and Bruce “Boffhead” Hendy have been taking joy rides in the canoe. I hope they can swim……

No longer
I heard a disturbing report last week that after this season the Moor Park golf course will be no longer. That’s sad because many of memorable moment have instigated from a golfing trip to Moor Park. Like the day Chris “Entanglement” Webb bingled the golf cart or the many long trips home in Guesty’s shaggin wagon. It won’t be the same anymore.




Golf underway
The golf season got underway last weekend with opening day at “The Royal”. I think Presidento Graeme “Grey skies above” Ellen is expecting a big season.

That’s all from me.